The third reason people have trouble finding happiness is:

Their addiction (instead of preference) to money, security, ego and power limits their capability of finding happiness.

The difference between an addiction and a preference is an addiction is something you will never have enough.  A preference is something you would like to have, but if you don't get it you are able to move on.

Everybody wants money. However, some people are addicted to it - can you spell Donald Trump.  Being addicted to money will get you to make decisions that will get you more money - not more happiness.  I prefer to have money, but if I don't have more, I will live on what I have. I will always have food to eat, air to breath and shelter.

Everybody wants security. However, some people are addicted to it and because of that addiction they stop taking risks, making decisions, and/or making changes that could lead to happiness. They often live in a self defined box fearing to go outside because they might have to give up their security blanket.  I prefer to have security (who wouldn't), but I'm not going to stop doing the things that might lead to my happiness because I'm fearful of impacting my security. 

Everybody wants ego and power rewards. However, some people are addicted to it - again, can you spell Donald Trump.  Being addicted to power and ego will never lead to happiness.  You will be defined by how the outside world sees you.  You are addicted to the ego and power because you want "them" to believe you are "da man" (or "da woman").  My next blog will give you insight into how being concerned by the outside world affects your happiness - look for it.  I prefer to have power and ego.  It's nice to have the outside world look up to me.  However, I love myself just the way I am.  I don't need the outside world telling me I'm great - I know I'm great.  

The purpose of money is the ability to shop till you drop - WRONG. The purpose of money is the ability to create security - WRONG.  The purpose of money is the ability to have the outside world wish they were you - WRONG.  The real purpose of money is CHOICE. 

In a free and democratic society, having money gives you choices.  You can choose to buy stuff.  You can choose to keep it in the bank so you feel secure.  You can choose to show the outside world how much money you have so they will look up to you.  All of those things and many others are your choice the more money you have.  If you have less money you will have less choices.

The real issue here is will you make choices that lead to your happiness? If your goal is to put your happiness in second position while you strive for more money, that's the wrong choice.  If you choose to not use your money for happiness so you can feel more secure, that's the wrong choice. If you choose to spend more money than you have so you look good to others, that's the wrong choice.

I prefer more money so I have more choices.  I love my life just the way it is.  If I hit the lottery, my first choice would be to help others who have less choices.  My first choice would not be to buy new cars, houses, and bling.  My first choice would also not be to put most of it in the bank so I would never run out of it. Also, I would never use my new wealth to become something other than Kenny.  Kenny is fabulous.  People love Kenny.  Why would I screw up the happiness I give others and they give to me just because I have more money.  I'm Kenny and I will always be Kenny - rich or poor. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people who would give it all away. If I won enough money, I would buy new stuff and put enough away to feel secure, however that would not be my first choice because I'm happy with what I have now.

Security is a wild card when it comes to happiness.  Everybody wants to feel secure.  Everybody wants security for their family.  However, addiction to security can get you to live your life in a way that you don't put happiness as your first objective.

Most of us get the strong need for security from our parents.  As we watch them struggle financially, we grow with this need to feel secure.  If our parents were or are addicted to security it got transferred into us.  If our parents didn't use the money they have to build a happier life because they felt the money made them secure - we can wind up the same.  If our parents never left the box they created because the outside world was either too scary or might impact their security - we might create a box for ourselves.

If being secure truly makes you happy - I support that.  If living in your self defined box truly makes you happy - I support that.  However, make sure you are looking at your life without wearing blinders.  It's easy to never take a risk, never make difficult decisions and/or make major changes.  Not doing so will limit your risk to have a secure life.  What you need to be real about is that it may also limit the happiness that is available to you if you are willing to take a few baby steps outside your security zone.

Are you in a job that you hate because it might impact your security if you make a change?  Are you in a loveless marriage or relationship that does not make you happy because it might impact your security if you make a change?  Are you not spending money and your time on doing something (like traveling, doing something creative, starting a side venture, etc.) that might make you happy because it might impact you and your family's security?

This is why security is a double edged sword.  On the one edge we all want it.  By feeling secure we feel happy.  However, the other edge of the security sword could stop us from increasing the happiness that is within our reach.  Life is too short, I choose to not let my strong desire to be totally secure affect my decisions, changes and risk taking to get all the happiness I deserve.  I'm not going to blow it all. I going to put some aside, but, I'm going to use what I can afford toward happiness.  I don't want to spend the next years of my life being unhappy because I made every decision based upon security.

WHICH SIDE OF THE SWORD ARE YOU ON?

Addiction to power and ego will never lead to happiness.  This is you living your life through the outside world.  It's an empty happiness.  You are trying to fill a void inside you with your need to have the outside world look up to you, envy you or be afraid of you. 

You will never fill that void because an addiction, by definition, means you will never have enough.  You will go through life trying to fill a never ending hole in your mind.  Your focus will be on your addiction not on your happiness.  JFK was asked: "mister president, why do you wear off the rack suits?"  JFK said: "when you are the president, you don't have to look like the president." 

If you are confident in who you are, you don't need the outside world to tell you are great and powerful.  My next blog (under "Happiness The Forgotten Ingredient") will discuss how the addiction to how you are perceived by the outside world affects you happiness.  Look for it soon. 

The second reason people have trouble finding happiness is:

"Fear of failure stops them from making decisions and making changes."

What is this fear of failure? Why, to some degree, do we all have it? How do I deal with this fear of failure and be OK making major decisions and major changes that will lead me to happiness?



What is this fear of failure? Fear of failure is not a today thing it is a future thing.  We worry about making decisions or changes today because we don't know how it will affect us in the future. What if I decide to change jobs? Will I be successful? Will it make me happier? How will it affect my family and friends? If it doesn't work out, will the people who love me still love me?  The same questions and concerns come into our heads if we make social decisions (like divorce) or business decisions.

 The first thing I ask the people I mentor is: "what is the worst thing that could happen if you make this decision or this change?"  Let's look at the future concerns stated above. What is the worst thing that might happen if your decision/change is not successful? Don't you trust yourself? You are going to put all of your effort to make it successful. You are the odds on favorite to make this a success. However, what if you're not? I will guarantee you will always have food to eat, air to breath, and shelter - everything else is cosmetic. Let me state that again: "you will always have food to eat, air to breath, and shelter - everything else is cosmetic."

How can I make that guarantee? Are you a legal citizen? Are you able to work? Do you have an education?  If the answer is yes to those questions, then you will always have food to eat, air to breath, and shelter - everything else is cosmetic. When I go to home depot I see people that are not legal in this country and don't have an education. They are standing outside talking to and many times having fun with their friends while waiting for someone to give them a days work. 

They are not rich nor do they have many of the cosmetic things that we take for granted, but they do have food to eat, air to breath, and shelter. They would like a better life, but they have friends and family that love them. Many of them are happy with the little they have - everything else is cosmetic. Therefore, if your decision or change is unsuccessful, YOU will survive, recover and make a better life for yourself.

Will this change or decision make me happier?  Well, you're not happy now!  If you were, you would not be making a major decision or change that you believe will make you happier. Soooo, what do you have to lose, take a risk, make that change, and/or make that decision. The worst that can happen is that you won't be any happier than you are now.

Always believe that you will survive - you won't die. Believe that you will recover and make other changes and/or decisions that will eventually lead to happiness.

How will it affect my family and friends?  I truly believe that when you are happy the people around are happy - positive energy begets positive energy. When you are unhappy the people around you are unhappy - negative energy begets negative energy.

Be the source of positive energy. Focus on YOUR happiness first. Love yourself just a little more than any thing or any person in your life.  My mother would call that attitude - selfish. However, what I have learned in life is that when I'm happy, I have so much more to give to all the people around me. Giving makes me and them happy.

If it doesn't work out will the people who love me still love me?  This is when you really find out who wishes you well, who is your friend, and who loves you.  I hope all your decisions go as planned, but should they not, that is when you will find out who is on your side.  The people who love you love you just the way you are.  The people who love you want you to be happy. Get rid of the ones that don't.

This is YOUR life not theirs. Living is not just getting through life.  Living is getting the most out of life that is available to you.  Your happiness is critical to you having a great life. Decisions and changes are difficult and risky.  The more right decisions and changes you make will make you happier. No decision or change will never lead to the happy life you deserve.  Take the risk - go for it. What's the worst that can happen.

Why, to some degree, do we all have this fear of failure?  Your parents love you.  They want you to be happy.  Most of all, they want to protect you.  Sooo, when you are growing up they say things like: "don't go into the street - you'll get hurt." "Don't put your hand in the fire you'll get burned." "Come to me for decisions because you are not old enough to make them."  To some of us they are saying you are not good enough to make decisions or do things on your own.  Some parents push harder than others and some of us take it harder than others.

Also, many of our parents are scared to make decisions or changes.  They just go through life not focusing on their happiness.  We watch that fear in them and some of us take it in more than others.

My parents put that fear of failure in me.  They came through the early part of life when the great depression was happening.  My father had a dead father and a sickly mother.  He had to be the man of the  family, at a young age, to support and protect his mother and three sisters.  Living was really hard.  Although he had food to eat, air to breath and shelter, every major decision was too scary.  A NO decision was safer.  he believed being happy was not the goal - survival was the goal.

I watched his fear and came out of it with most of it within me.  He feared the future and I did also.  I had no idea what the future would bring, but I feared it anyway.  It took me years to truly understand that it was his fear not mine.  I have a choice.  I can fear the future or I can accept that I don't know what will happen so why assume it will be bad.  I can trust myself that if the worst happens I will recover, make new decisions and create a happier life. 

I fought so hard trying not be like him and angry with myself because I had this fear.  Years later and with a great mentor, I realized the more I fought this fear the worse it became - "the more you resist the more he will insist."  I had to accept this fear is inside me.  I didn't put it there, but it does exist.  The issue is what am I going to do about it.  I decided to take the risks in life that would make me happy.

Two divorces were painful, however like my other post, three is a charm.  Ellen is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I made many difficult decisions in the business area.  Some made me happier and some did not.  I recovered from the ones that didn't and pushed on to a happier business life.  I still have that fear of failure with me all the time, however it does not stop me from pushing toward a happier life.

Life is great.  It is worth living only if you decide to reach for the brass ring.  YOUR happiness is in your control more than you think.  You just have to put your fear of failure aside and take the risks in life that give you what you deserve - HAPPINESS!!!

People don't find the happiness they deserve for Four main reasons:

1. They don't know what they want.
2. Fear of failure stops them from making decisions and making changes.
3. Addiction (instead of preference) to money, security, ego and power limits their capability of finding happiness.
4. Pressures and expectations created by the outside world (your spouse, your friends, your boss, your commitments, etc.) becomes the reason you are not happy.

This blog covers reason one - "People don't know what they want." Future Blogs will cover the other reasons.

People just don't focus on what they want out of job, life and relationships. They just go through life not realizing how they got there. They wind up frustrated and unhappy not knowing how all this happened. Not being introspective, not taking a step back to evaluate where they are now, not thinking how they can change, and unwilling to change their life because they are afraid of the consequences leads they to the unhappiness state they are in.

When asked why did I become a lawyer they reply: "well my mother was a lawyer."  When asked: "why did you get married they say:" "It was time, my girlfriend wanted to get married, all my friends are married, and my parents wanted grand children."  When asked: "why did you take this job," they say: "security, money, a promotion, the power to control, my dad worked for this company, and it was the only job I could get." When asked: "why do you stay with this friend or wife/girlfriend" the say: "it's hard meeting new friends, my parents and friends like her, I'm not sure I can do better, I would have to leave the neighborhood to find new friends, my wife/girlfriend may be a pain in the ass, but the sex is great, and I can live with it as it is because changing it will be too painful."

STOP!!!!  This is YOUR life.  It's not your parents, friends, boss, wife, or girlfriend's life.  What do YOU want? Do you want to go through life settling and accepting what the outside world gives you?

NOW is the time to collect your thoughts and be clear what you want. If you're not happy in your job - YOU can change it.  Why take a promotion that will not make you happy.  Why be in a profession that will not make you happy. Why work for a boss or organization that makes you unhappy. If you know what kind of job you want go for it (as long as it is reasonable and doable). You may have to turn down a promotion, ask for a transfer to a different department, change careers and start at a lower level, take less money, and lower your ego."

I was a senior executive in a job I hated. I asked for a transfer to marketing (my first love). My boss said; "Kenny, there isn't a senior job in marketing. You will have to take a demotion. You probably will have to take less money. Your going to replace me when I move on so why would you want to do this?" I said: "because I'm not happy doing this job."I asked him: "are you happy doing your job?" He said: "I don't have to be happy. The money is good, My wife likes nice things. I'm not going to tell my family and friends that I took a step down because I was unhappy."

That is when I realized that my transfer request was right. I did not want to be like him.  The people (wife, friends, and family) who loved me, want me to be happy.  If they didn't, then I needed to let them go. I took the demotion and went to marketing. I loved my job and my boss. Eventually, I wound up running marketing.

Now is the time to look at your personal relationships with wife, girlfriend, friends, and family.  My first blog, "Three is a charm," tells how I went through two difficult divorces to find my love Ellen. We are together twenty seven years and they are the best years of my life.

If you are not happy with your wife, friends, or family, YOU can change it.  Yes, it will be difficult. Yes, it will be an emotional disaster for both you and them. Yes, you will lose some friendships and some people will hate you.  I had all those things happen to me. I survived. In time my life got better. People that I never thought of as dear friends, became my best friends. The people who loved me knew I was not happy and they wanted me to be happy. My kids who were upset, at the time, made a great life for themselves.

I'm not just talking about divorcing your wife. The same problems can happen when you leave your girlfriend, some friends and some family members. What good is it to have these people in your life if YOU are not happy.  Life is so short. Before you know it, life will pass you by.  I hope there is something more after this life, but we don't know for sure.  This might be all we are going to get. Please make the most of it. Don't go through life unhappy because you don't want to deal with the problems change will cause.

Life is great if you life it. You should get all the happiness that is available to you - YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!